Shrieks, Squeals, Screams, and Cuteness

These cute eyes right here were the same eyes that were wide open yesterday, soaking up all the details of the exam room. Those eyes studied Dr. Grijnstein's (pronounces Greensteen) face when he walked in the room and touched her, poked her and prodded her. She was the perfect patient. So cute and cuddly. She really studied his face up close when he fed her the oral vaccine. No matter how much of it didn't get into her mouth, as she sat on Mommy's lap, she was as cute as can be. Then, the horror happened......the left thigh was penetrated by a long sharp needle. The moment it left her leg was the moment my heart broke. Now, I have seen my nephew at 6 months hit his head on a toy and start to cry like this. I have never seen Erin cry like this until that moment. It's the cry that breaks you because you know your child is really in pain. It's the cry that speaks the end of the world to them and nothing will be better again! As I watched her face turn a deep maroon color, her mouth opened as wide as possible, all I could do was hug her and remind her to breathe....because at that moment, to you, it seems like they aren't going to take another breath. And when she finally did, it was the loudest, most high pitched, ear piercing scream I had ever heard come out of her mouth. I did not think that such a little person was capable of such a scream....I had never heard it before. Then came the right thigh. Before the doctor even put the needle in, she began screaming upon the slightest touch! After 10 minutes, some rocking and a good suck on the pacifier, she felt safe and secure in her car seat. The next 3 and a half hours were bliss for me and Erin. She had a bottle when we got home. I gave her some Tylenol upon doctors orders and took a nice nap in her bouncy seat while I got things done. As I looked at her, she seemed so peaceful and calm, I then wanted to cuddle with her. I felt so bad for what she endured a few hours earlier, I just wanted to hold her in my arms. We spent an hour cuddling and after Ping arrived home from work, I passed her off to him so he could greet her.  Then the horror started... all she did was shriek and scream. Erin would scream that ear piercing scream the moment one of us would take her off our chest and pass her to the other. We had to hold her close in order for her to not wail and save our ear drums. By the time 8pm rolled around, Ping started to draw the water for her bath. I called my sister on the verge of tears wondering if we would have a baby glued to our chests all night long. She reassured me one night wasn't going to break the nice habit she has of sleeping in her crib. I was skeptical, but said okay and hung up the phone. As we set Erin in her bath, the fussiness calmed down a bit. She normally loves her bath and is just like Ping in that she likes her water on the warmer side. Warmer meaning that if any seasoned caregivers tested it, they'd say it was too hot for a baby. But for Erin, anything colder than that, she hates.  After the bath, we put her jammies on and I read her a book while Ping prepared her bottle. Erin drank from the bottle as she drifted off to sleep. I burped her, cuddled her on my shoulder for a bit and gently laid her in her crib. This was the moment of truth, I thought. She would either scream or go right to sleep as usual. Erin chose the latter! We are so blessed to have such a beautiful girl. So normally easy going, that I think we can thank our lucky stars that only this type of screaming seems to come out when she gets her shots....so far.

My First Day Back

Can someone please cut me a slice of humble pie?  This morning marked my first day back running.  I have been looking forward to this date for the past 10 months or so.  Last week, I prepared myself by thinking about how I was going to ease back into running.  After I lost Rachel, I just got out there and did what I had to do to make myself feel better.  Too much too soon led to an injury.  I didn't want to repeat that experience again this time around.  I know a lot of runners who have used the Couch to 5K training plan to ease back into running after a long hiatus, so I decided now would be my chance to try this plan out.  I found it online and printed off a copy.  "Yes!  I'm so excited!" I told myself.  I then looked at the calendar and marked a week from then that I would start running again.  The plan calls for running 3 days a week for 9 weeks with a slow build up to running continuously for 30 minutes or 3.1 miles.  I counted the 9 weeks and saw my end date: July 23.  "Hmmm...I wonder if there is a 5K near by that is on that date?"  I go to my local and not so local running club pages and search through their events.  "Aha!  July 23rd, Long Beach, NY...5K!"  I decided to run Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.  I discussed my plan with Ping:  "I'll feed Erin that last early morning feed (usually around 5am) and then run after.  That way I will be done before you head off to work. Then Saturday mornings, you will be here too. Also, there happens to be a 5K race at the end of this, can I register?"  "That all sounds fine to me." Ping replied.  I'm so thankful to have a husband on board with this!

Okay, back to this morning.  Well, rewind a little bit.  Ping feeds Erin at 11pm, then heads to bed.  Around 3:30, I notice Erin stirring and telling us she's ready to eat again.  (I was a bit shocked as this is the longest she's gone at night without eating, ever!) Ping was supposed to get this one.  But I realized that I would be feeding Erin at 6:30am, thus not allowing me to run!  He told me he would take the 6am feed if I did this and I can still run.  What a sweetheart!  I really love this man!

Okay, now, really back to this morning.  6am, alarm goes off.  I roll out of bed (with a split second guess of whether I should go or not), get on my new running clothes (yes new, because I don't yet fit into my old ones!), lace up my shoes, blow off the dust and power up my Garmin 205 and head out the door.

First part: brisk 5 minute walk.  No problem.  My watch beeps to tell me to move onto the the next thing:  run/jog for 60 seconds....I then move into a running pace, or what I thought I remembered running to be!  The first 10 steps were more of a balancing act making sure I actually don't fall flat on my face. It seemed that every one of those 10 steps I took, my feet kept hitting each other as they passed.  I'm sure to the common spectator across the street, they pegged me for a weirdo:  someone who has obviously never run before in their life, yet has this running watch that screams: "I take running seriously."

Beep...Beep...Beep....next phase: walk 90 seconds.  Whew!  That was a bit of a nightmare!  Walking is good, I can do walking.

I had 7 more rounds of that to go.  With each round of running, my body started to get a little better at it.  I'm sure I still looked like a goof though.  It's nice to know that at 6am the only people out on the street in NYC are those that are walking their dogs one last time before they stuff them back in their tiny apartment and head into the city for the next 8-12 hours.

As I reached the end of my run, I felt better...better to be back out on the road and better to be running again. Now please hand me the rest of that pie.

Everyone is asking me....

What kind of diapers are those??

They're gDiapers!!  A hybrid diaper that is really awesome!  The many colors and styles make it easy to get addicted to as well!  When I first thought about what diapers I would put on my child, the question was simple: Cloth or disposable?  I researched cloth diapers and was a little intimidated by the care and how many ways you can care for them now.  There were so many brands and styles to choose from.  Then I thought to myself, what do I want to be doing at the end of my day: washing diapers, or taking out the trash?  For two weeks, my mind was made up: take out the trash.  But I just couldn't shake the fact that it takes 200 years for one disposable diaper to biodegrade completely in a landfill.  It bothered me knowing this.  I looked at cloth again, and read more about care, felt a little more confident doing cloth diapers, but didn't like the idea of using cloth when out and about.  The cost of cloth at home and disposables while out didn't make sense to me.  Then, I discovered the hybrid diaper!  A three part diaper that allows you to do disposable OR cloth!  You have the outer "gpant" that the child wears all day.  This is the fun colorful part.  The waterproof snap in "gliner" that is the barrier to keep the mess contained.  And the insert: either disposable (biodegrades in 30 days, compostable, flushable or trashable) or cloth!  The cloth inserts are to be washed seperately just like any other cloth diaper.  While the liners and gpants can be washed with the baby's clothes. 

So what is my opinion about gDiapers so far?  Now that Erin is 3 weeks old, she is still in her "tiny g's" for newborns and I LOVE THEM!  The biodegradable liner is so absorbant, I've gone up to 3 hours without changing her and probably could have gone longer!   As Erin is approaching 7 pounds, I have found the fit around her legs to be getting snug.  Ping and I decided to try the smalls on her to see if she could fit in them...Nope, she leaked right through, so back into her tiny's she went. 

I then finally had enough cloth inserts to begin completely cloth diapering!  I was so excited!  About an hour later Erin needed a change.  Great!  cloth insert loaded in her tiny g and ready to go on her bum.  The fit was nice and I was environmentally happy.  An hour later....I noticed a leak.  Okay, maybe I didn't put her diaper on right.  With gdiapers it is important that you have the "seal" around the legs otherwise you will get leaks.  I try a second, then a third, fourth....a full day of cloth diapering and ALL of them leaked!!  Now, I was frustrated!  I posted on gdiaper's Facebook page (responses from gdiapers and other "gmoms" are pretty quick there.  That's when I found out that the tiny g's are not meant to be used with the gcloth inserts!  Bummer!  You mean I have to wait until Erin is in her small's to go full on cloth!?!  Something I was never aware of and was not posted on gdiaper's website when I did my research before buying.  My suggestion, hold off on buying the tiny g's until a) you know your baby's weight and b) if you are going to do full on gcloth from the beginning. 

As Erin gets bigger and moves into her smalls, I will let you know more about what I think about gdiapers!  But I love them thus far!

A New Member of our Family

I must confess, for most of you, I've been keeping a secret....and now I'm ready to reveal the newest member of our family: Erin Rachel Lee!

Erin was born via c-section on April 13th, 2011 at 12:50pm.  She was 5 pounds, 14 ounces at birth and 19 inches long.  We love every minute we spend with her and are so happy to finally have a child we can take home with us.

One thing everyone has been asking me lately is if I am nursing Erin.  I'm elated to say, "not anymore!"  In the beginning, I thought the two of us had hit it off quite well in this arena, but we quickly found out that we didn't and it was a long two week battle for us.  I started to have some pretty serious PPD because of our nursing experience and was on the fence about quitting a week after Erin was born.  Each time Erin would nurse of over an hour and still not be satiated was a huge upset for me.  I began to have feelings of resentment towards Erin, even though I knew none of it was her fault.  Those feelings made me feel even worse about myself because after losing Rachel, I never in a million years expected to every have an ounce of resentment towards my future children. And here I was having that feeling!  I saw a lactation consultant as a last resort.  She was highly recommended by a personal friend and also advertised in our pediatrician's office.  I left that appointment still feeling frustrated and told Ping I wasn't sure if it was worth the money.  I went home and began the next nursing session with Erin.  I tried all the techniques I learned from the consultant.  Erin nursed for over an hour and half and was still hungry!  I was at my breaking point.  Ping would have to help me take breaks to compose myself, calm down and then feel okay to try again.  90 minutes into it, I handed Erin off to Ping and said, I'm done.  I can't keep feeling this way about our daughter.  I've been so happy about my decision!  I have been able to enjoy Erin so much more, I'm sleeping better and am happier being a mom too.  Yes, maybe I didn't try hard enough, or keep practicing the techniques I learned from the lactation consultant, but in the moment during that last nursing session, I knew this was not for us.  My only concern is that Erin is healthy and thriving, and she wasn't when we were nursing.  We both weren't happy and satisfied. 

Erin is starting to open her eyes up more and look around.  Unfortunately, she likes to do this at 2:30am.  Not okay for us.  I want to go back to sleep!  If you have any tips out there to train this child to know night from day and when it is appropriate to be awake and asleep, please, let us know! For now, say hello to Erin!