Some People!

If I could describe my pregnancy with Erin in one word it would be tense. I was happy to be expecting again, but the question that was in the forefront of my mind at all times was when will this one die too? (I still think this way at times, but that is for another post) Most women who are pregnant have feelings of excitement, joy, happiness, bliss.  All the words you would use to describe some of the happiest times in your life.  She spends the next 9 months planning for the arrival of her baby. Making a nursery, researching baby products, talking about the joys and not-so-joys of her pregnancy.
A Rainbow Mom tends to experience her pregnancy much more differently.  She wonders if every little twitch or bout of pain is the end of the life inside of her.  She is happy when she feels her baby moving, but freaks out the moment it stops. (I would eat A LOT of chocolate and sweets to keep Erin moving to calm this fear!) I read a book during my rainbow pregnancy titled, Pregnancy After A Loss.  It was one of the most helpful books for me.  Don't get me wrong, I still referred to my regular pregnancy books, but this one sat on my nightstand while the others remained on the bookshelf.  Carol Lanham does such a great job at telling her readers what to expect in this different pregnancy.  What types of special testing you may have that are not routine for normal pregnant woman.  Most importantly, she addresses what your thoughts and feelings may be, and how to cope with them.  These words really helped me relax during the bad times while pregnant with Erin.  The main thing that many of those pregnant after a loss are asked to give up by their doctor is the level of stress on your body.  Being high risk for preterm labor, I was not allowed to exercise (besides walking).  I was put on bed rest from 26-36 weeks due to my cervix shortening, I also had to take weekly 17P alpha-Hydroxyprogesterone (17p) shots to help keep my body from going into preterm labor. Yes, this pregnancy was so different from my pregnancy with Rachel.  I ran on a daily basis, felt great, and thought I could do anything a normal person could.  I didn't feel bad for a second that I had to give those things up when I got pregnant with Erin.  Because all that I wanted in the end was a healthy, living, breathing child.  I would have done anything, no questions asked, to get that. So when people think that just because they ran a marathon while pregnant that you can too, I cringe.  It takes every ounce of my being to not say anything to that person. (just to be nice) For those pregnant with their rainbow babies out there: If someone flat out tells you to ignore your doctor's reservations on anything while pregnant because they ran a marathon while pregnant and nothing happened to them; just walk away.  You'll know that the decisions you make for your rainbow will be the best!

A Race for Others

This March, I will be running a half marathon (13.1 miles) to help raise money for World Vision. Although this is by far not my first half marathon, I'm excited to be doing this race for two reasons:
1) The training has been helping me focus on losing my post-partum weight and getting back into shape.  I only have about 11 pounds of 50 left to go! I need to lose it by mid May since Ping and I will be traveling to Hawaii for our 5 year wedding anniversary.  All I have in my swim suit drawer are bikinis and I gotta look hot in them again.  ("Stretch Mark Central" might have other plans)
2) Most importantly, this is the first race I will be raising funds for.  Out of all the races I've done and the charity opportunities that have gone along with them I have always opted to just pay the registration fee and run the race.  Our church, First Baptist Church of Flushing, has formed a team to raise money for World Vision. I've sent out letters via email asking for support and now have been sent 3 children to find people to sponsor.  If you would like to help support my efforts and the efforts of World Vision, you can make a donation on my donation page.  If you would like to sponsor one of the 3 children that I have here on my desk, you can simply contact me here or leave a comment to this post and I will contact you.
If you look on my donation page, you can see that I am wearing a shirt that says, "Always Running With Rachel Grace."  When I was pregnant with Rachel, I continued to run with my doctor's blessing.  To this day, I still feel Rachel's presence during every run.  I always imagined continuing to run with her after she was born...pushing the jogging stroller and both of us soaking up our surroundings as they whizzed by.  I am saddened that we never had that chance to run together like that, but it is comforting to know that she is still there with me out on the roads and waiting at each finish line, cheering me on.  Now, with Erin in the stroller, I feel Rachel by my side keeping the two of us company.

What's Yours is Mine

I've gotten into the good habit of only putting one food in front of Erin during meals.  It not only helps her eat her veggies and other healthy things first, but helps cut down on the fuss if she doesn't want what I'm putting on her tray, but rather the other food at the table.  This particular morning yogurt and grapes were on the menu for breakfast. I fed Erin her yogurt first and decided I would give her grapes while I ate my bowl of cheerios so her hands would be occupied.  I bring out our foods, set down my bowl of cereal, and put a few grapes on her tray.  I then proceed to grab my bowl of Cheerios and enjoy my breakfast.  Erin had another plan: Simply scream bloody murder, throw the grapes on her tray to the floor and thrash about in her tiny chair until she obtains a few of what she thinks are her Cheerios.

10 Months Old Today!

Erin is 10 months old today! I can't believe that it has been 10 months since I met her.  It has gone by absolutely too fast!  In just 2 short months, she'll be a year old and I'll officially have a toddler on my hands.  Although, some days, Erin seems to already show some "toddler" like behavior.  We get temper tantrums when I don't let her touch or play with certain things.  Yesterday, I had to pin her down to change her poopy diaper.  She was NOT happy about that!  Once I was through, she let me know just how angry at me she was.  Tears streaming down her face, drool coming out of her mouth, snot dripping from her nose, as her little hands held tight onto my legs as her face stared up at me begging for attention so she could be reassured that she has me wrapped around her little finger.  Nope, sorry girl....tough love.  It's moments like this that I find hard.
I think about these moments I didn't have with Rachel, how I would have handled it.  I know I would have been a tough mom on her too.  Sometimes, I think that as a baby loss mamma, I'm supposed to be soft and easy on my rainbow child.  I feel guilty for those moments of tough love.  I hear a part of me say, "She's only 10 months old, you have plenty of time to discipline her later, she just wants you to hold her. She's crying, pick her up."  But the other part chimes in and reminds me that she IS 10 months old, she KNOWS what she did is wrong, and she MUST learn that she can NOT get away with it. There are going to be many tough parenting moments ahead in our life and I need to remind myself that tough love is still love and sometimes it is the best love you can give your child, rainbow or not.
Here is a picture of Erin today:

At 10 months, Erin can:
-pull to a stand
-Cruise well along furniture and people
-loves to eat exactly what everyone else is eating
-screams with delight at the sight of cheerios
-her favorite color seems to be purple
-she LOVES Veggie Tales (Sorry Nancy!)
- Loves to be walked around with our fingers
- Enjoys playing with other kids
- Can babble (baba, Dada) and even knows that Daddy is "Baba"